What Happens When Miscarriage Threatens Your Family-Building Goals?

By Nicole Gray

Studies show that 10% to 37% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage; although not all of the pregnancies are recognized. [1] These statistics underscore the large number of women who experience the loss of an unborn child and the sadness that accompanies that loss. The feelings associated with miscarriage are consistent with how it feels to lose someone you love... first shock, followed by disbelief, sadness, despair, anger, and finally recovery. Unfortunately, miscarriage often leads women and their partners to become furtive about their desire to have a child. In many cases, women who miscarry feel ashamed or somehow inadequate as women. These feelings are normal, but feeling thwarted in your efforts should not stop you from taking action if you've had a miscarriage. Taking action after a miscarriage is the best way to recover from post-loss depression and anger. Plus, by having the courage to take several steps, you come closer to your cherished goal of having a child or adding to your family, or to making another decision about how to build a family (link internally to infertility). [2]

Grief after miscarriage is a common reaction. When researchers looked at 2140 pregnant Dutch women between the ages of 19 and 41 to examine their reactions to various stages of their pregnancies, 221 or 10.3% of the women lost their babies. [1] These women were followed for 18 months and asked to answer questionnaires that spoke to the intensity of their grief. Of these women, 91% miscarried before 20 weeks gestation, 41% had experienced a previous loss and 32% did not have children. Researchers found that after miscarriage, the women who had experienced a previous miscarriage, did not have adequate social support, had physical symptoms, or had previously experienced depression were more likely to become depressed and grieve more intensively. They also found that women without children and women who were older showed more intense grief and found coping with their loss more difficult. Based on this study, researchers believe that having support and sustaining the hope of creating a family limit the length and intensity of post-miscarriage grieving. Plus, these researchers found that the more time that passed after the miscarriage, the better the women felt. This was confirmed in a separate study in which researchers found that the first six months after miscarriage was the period in which women were most likely to become depressed. Likewise, they found that childless women were more vulnerable. Most surprisingly, they found that after a stillbirth, the women who failed to show any signs of grief within the first two weeks were most likely to become very depressed. [3]

A common reaction to miscarriage is to not deal with it, to want to try to conceive again immediately, or to rely on some type of "magical thinking" invoking a fatalistic approach. But according to experts at Angel Mommies, a site that helps women and their partners cope with miscarriage while arming them with information, there is a reason for every miscarriage. Knowing and accepting that fact is the key to taking action, thereby reducing any feelings of impotence resulting from the miscarriage. Some of the causes of miscarriage include luteal phase defects in which progesterone production is inadequate to build up the uterine lining, uterine and cervical abnormalities, chromosomal problems, autoimmune problems, neural tube defects, poor egg quality, polycystic ovarian syndrome, uncontrolled diabetes, thyroid disorders, abnormal gene mutations or infections. In order to isolate the reasons behind a miscarriage, testing is performed, including immunologic testing and tests investigating potential luteal phase defects, chromosomal or gene abnormalities, thyroid problems, poor egg quality, or other underlying health problems. Either an obstetrician/gynecologist or a reproductive endocrinologist can help you with testing, but be sure this person is right for you. You should feel comfortable with their approach, experience and philosophy. If you have had a miscarriage, summoning the courage to find a reproductive endocrinologist and start the testing process may be challenging, but it provides you with the best chance to achieve your goals. Of course, there?s the fear that you may find out that there?s something wrong that may make it difficult to conceive, that you may never have a child, or that it may be more daunting than you can deal with. Nonetheless, you may be relieved by what you learn, because regardless of the diagnosis, you can get necessary treatment and make decisions that will bring you closer to your goals. Moreover, action empowers you to move beyond a state of despair. For more information, visit: Angel Mommies or Fertility Plus.